How to help your child to fail at karate and everything else

You can only develop anti-social behaviour like this if you start them young, so be sure to show and encourage minimal effort or courtesy at all times.

Over the years, I have seen many talented kids quit karate. Of course, the multitude of character-building benefits in karate are not for everyone – after all, someone’s kids have to grow up to be the prisoners of tomorrow. That’s why I’ve put together this guide so that you can do your best to help your child to fail at karate as soon as possible. After all, failure is a lesson that they can apply to everything in their life.

1.       At the first sign of unwillingness to train, say to your child, “If you don’t like it, then quit.” Be sure not to waste time finding out why they’ve momentarily lost interest or you might risk having to help them resolve their little foo foo problems. Developing a quitters mentality starts young, so get them used to avoiding even the tiniest challenges now.

2.       As soon as anything doesn’t go right, commiserate with your child by blaming everything but their own lack of ability or effort. Working to overcome challenges is such a useless life skill. Learning to play the blame game takes practice, and the truly caring parent gives their child all the help they can. May I suggest ADHD as a good catch-all excuse if all else fails.

3.       Ensure that you arrange as many conflicting events on training night as possible. Nothing is too trivial – playtime, visits from nan, football on TV, whatever. After all, that one hour a week spent training is time that could be better used on a million other vital activities that absolutely MUST be done right there and then. Those computer games won’t finish themselves you know. In any case, helping your child to train regularly would just get them into good habits that you don’t want to help them sustain.

4.       Be certain to overfeed your child just before class. As they alternate between frequent toilet breaks and feeling nauseous, you can feel happy that they are developing their character by not puking during the lesson.

5.       If you don’t want to slow down your child by overfeeding, why not go the other way? Give your child as many sweets and e-numbers as possible. Chocolate, coloured fizzy drinks, and crisps are sure to give them a massive jolt of energy. This will make concentration during class nigh on impossible, so they won’t waste time filling their heads with any of that Japanese nonsense. And at least they’ll have lots of energy. Lots and lots of energy.

	With luck, your child will grow up to be a teenager that the whole neighbourhood despises. Prison awaits.

6.       Try to show as little interest as possible, preferably by texting others all lesson long. Ideally you should never actually watch your child, although talking loudly and even criticising other students is a great way to show your kids the value of all that pointless courtesy stuff. At no time should you ever pay any kind of attention to your own child’s progress during or after class. This would only risk motivating them to perform better, and that would doubtless delay their inevitable failure.

7.       If you absolutely insist on staying to watch your child’s lesson, try to bring as many crying babies and small children who run around as possible, and under no circumstances should you try to control any of them. All that constant distracting noise is just your little way of reminding your child, and the rest of the class, what an effort you’ve made to be there. Have you thought about bringing terrifying dogs too?

8.       Try to send your kids out to play for at least two hours before class. Okay, they may have trouble keeping their eyes open, so they’ll learn nothing, but physical exhaustion is certain to make them calmer and more manageable later, and at least it saves on Ritalin.

Behind EVERY successful karate child, is a dedicated parent. Behind most also-rans is a disinterested parent. Don’t take an interest NOW, and by following these simple tips, you can ensure your child’s failure.